Sometimes Three Hot Dogs Aren’t Enough
An autobiography by Eduardo Groon
Not many know the true story behind my life, mainly because I am made up and not real. My life is one of the most dramatic
lives ever lived by any member of the Groon family. Except of course my father-in-law Gary Coleman, but I am taller than he
is, so we will forget about him. If you read this autobiography I guarantee you three things: tears will be shed, laughter
will roar from on top of a mountain, and you may get a few clogged arteries.
Before you get to what happened in my life, you must first know where I came from and when this miraculous day occurred.
I was born in Gibraltar on April 4, 1904. I am a male, which you could assume from my name, but then again there is my aunt
Eduardo, but I will get to her later. My mom, Eldorado, and dad, Spawn, were both beon in the exotic land of Wisconsin.
They met in the summer of 1732 at the local tool shed. Their story is a prime example of love at first sight. They saw each
other, and loved each other, at first sight of each other; therefore, they fell in love at first sight, of each other. You
may be thinking, Wow, his parents are old. When Eduardo was born they were at least 172 years old. Well, that would be true
if it weren’t for the night of August 3, 1897. My parents were on the wrong side of a Scrabble riot. My dad took first
place in the tournament with the last second word, “I”. That was enough to win the first place prize of a bucket.
But, the enraged gang member didn’t believe that “I” was a word. So he opened up a bag and threw rocks
at the crowd. Sadly, two rocks hit my mom and dad. Luckily, when my mom fell to her death she landed on a ping-pong table,
and my spirit got transferred to the table. Six years later, I was born from a ping-pong table. This is where the exciting
stuff happens, my wonderful life.
My family was a ping pong table and my brother Al, currently 98 years old, and we lived in an abandoned yarn factory in Gibraltar.
I wasn’t the average kid in the town, I was very attractive, and everyone else had misshapen faces. At the age of three
I went to college at Teapot High University. I was very advanced for my age, the average age of a college graduate was twelve,
and I was on pace to graduate at seven. I only took two classes there because that is all they offered. My favorite class
was Mail Delivery 1012, with the greatest teacher in the world, Mr. Melon Nose. Like all kids, my least favorite class was
lunch, with the biggest jerk in the world for a teacher, some joke named Tommy Lee Jones. Sadly I got expelled at the age
of four for being too good looking. I think Tommy Lee Jones had a hairplug.
Fast forward to 10 years old, I got my license and I am officially an adult. Soon after I got my license I was cruising around
looking for the ladies, when I saw the girl of my dreams. Her name was Jarleen. I am not sure if she was human, but regardless,
she was really good looking. I actually think she was a potted plant, but that is one good looking potted plant. Sadly a
week after I met her I forgot to water her, and she wilted up and died. For ten years straight, I went into a deep coma from
sadness.
The year is 1924, and I am 20 years old. This is a sad time in my life because I fell into peer pressure and did a bad, bad
thing. I bought a professional sports team. I thought it would be a one time thing, but it was a long trip down Worst Time
of my Life Road. I bought a baseball team in Winchester, Octavio (the forgotten state). The team name is the Winchester
Metaphors, and we had high expectations. Our first year we were favorites to win the Super Bowl because of our all star line
up:
1) SS – A Bag of Dead Puppies
2) 2B – Janet Reno
3) LF – Bill Clinton
4) 3B – Pauly Shore
5) RF – A Blind Dog
6) 1B – A Gallon of Milk
7) CF – Scorxy McScotch Taperson
8) C – Sandy Alomar Jr.
9) P – Me
If that is not an all star team, then that was not an all star team. Hopes were riding rather high, we ended the regular
season 1246 and 0. We were almost guaranteed the Super Bowl. Until, Sandy Alomar Jr. took all of the team, except me, parachuting.
It seemed like a good idea to get rid of some their energy. Sadly, the parachute was actually a bunch of toothpicks. Needless
to say, they got arrested for running an illegal stamp store. They were suspended until they learned their lesson, but they
didn’t learn quick enough. I made it all the way to the Super Bowl, and got creamed 8 to 7. They were released the
day after the Super Bowl, and I fired their wretched souls. So, that ends my career in the professional sports business.
From there on I went through another coma of sadness.
I woke up in 1934, at the age of 30. Sadly I immediately got hit by a truck and died. From there I ended up on another planet.
It was inhabited by a race of miniature poodles. When, I landed there, they immediately accepted me as their new leader.
Oh, what a blast I had. I was in the planet’s one and only shuffleboard club. Actually, that is pretty much it. To
be honest with you, I kind of hated it there. But, I remembered what famous literary scholar Al Capone once said, “When
life gives you lemons, make a nice hydrating beverage out of them.” So, I made my planet one of the best selling fast
food chains in the Milky Way. It is pretty obvious what I sold, hot dogs. After all I do have a virtually unlimited supply
of dogs, and ten seconds in a steam bath they were hot. I named my fast food chain, “Sometimes Three Hot Dogs Aren’t
Enough.” All you could get was hot dogs, and you had to eat at least four of them. It was a win, win situation for
the customers. If you eat the hot dogs, you become morbidly obese, if you don’t, you are enslaved by me. Out of all
the things I remembered Al Capone said I forgot these, “Don’t forget to file your income taxes silly, or your
fast food chain will be shut down.” Well, I was shut down.
Fortunately, I still had some of my money, so I created a homeless shelter. This isn’t your ordinary homeless shelter
though. When people walk in they have homes, and when they leave, they don’t. So, I can sell their house, take their
money, eat their furniture, decorate their yard, and sell their souls on eBay for $1,546,564,156,768.32. I had 12,000 customers
the first day, and I pocketed a lot of money. In fact, I made at least twelve bucks that day. I was on top of the world,
and I never looked back. Until I tripped, then I never looked up.
For the rest of my life I went on a magical journey with my brother Al. There was a rampant problem that was brought to our
attention, in the year 1964. Giant mechanized robots were interior designing at a rampant rate, on my previous planet of
occupancy, Earth. We jogged all the way to Earth as leisurely as we could. When we got there, we saw something horrible.
The name of Earth was changed to “Mowmowmowmowmowmowj.” I got out my handy dandy roll of lint and began to spread
mud on it, in order stop the robots. I did this until August 12, 1984, which was the last time I went to the bathroom or
showered to protest sanitation. Oddly enough out of my pile of lint and mud, three dinosaurs walked out and charged the robots,
but the dinosaurs saw Mel Gibson out of the corner of their eye and ate him. The dinosaurs were allergic to him, so they
sneezed fire and melted the robots’ hard drives. Earth was saved! (trumpets sound off in the distance)
In 1992, I finally became allergic to something, and it is bears. Me and my friend were playing catch with a bear cub, and
the mother attacked me, and it hurt bad. I concluded that I am allergic because my arm was broken and I had internal bleeding.
In 1993, my world turned upside down. A gang of broccoli stalks and I toured the country as a show tune singing band named,
“Insert Payphone Here?” It is not easy singing, especially when you have no voice and talk through a computer.
But, I would survive. Our first major hit was, “Ctrl, Alt, Delete.” The lyrics went like this:
As I look out into a lollipop field,
I get stung by a bee.
It hurts a lot because bee stings hurt,
MC Hammer rubbed some ointment on it, and it felt better.
Haiku, magazine, telephone and a tree,
All I need is you (repeat 1000 times).
I sang that song via typing into a computer program and hitting enter. I quit that band because we became too good looking,
and you know what they say about bands that are too good looking? You don’t? Well, I don’t either.
Flash forward to 1994. Rewind because you went about six months too far, stop, now hit play. Nothing great happened this
year. Except, I got a new VCR player.
The year is 1995, the temperature is 56º Fahrenheit, and I am unemployed and eating a can of soup. I found a strange scroll
in my soup that made me shout, “Well what do you know, there is a strange scroll in my soup!” The scroll read,
“Thou who findeth this scrolleth, must excavate the Mayaneth Ruinseth.” I went on over to the Mayan Ruins, and
excavated for 324 nights, until I heard a large clank. I dropped to the ground and pulled it out of the ground. It was just
a piece of metal, so I excavated for 452 more days, until on Septebuary 45, 1996. That day I found another can of soup.
I cooked it on the oven tied to my back. It was pretty good, nothing special though. When I finished the last drop I found
another scroll. It read, “Did you enjoyeth the soupeth.” I wrote on the other side of the scroll, “It
was free, I am not going to complain.” I put it in the scroll slot in the ground, and went home.
Nothing eventful happened in the years 1997-1999. So I will write a haiku.
I just locked the door.
No one can open it now.
Keys are wonderful.
It is the millenium, time to party. Just kidding, time to build a fallout shelter! Ten days before the millenium, I started
to dig a large hole. It got so big I could fit my left leg in it. That was enough for me so I stuck my leg in their and
waited for the millenium. New Year’s Eve came, and I was overjoyed because I was looking forward to starting a new
world. Then the countdown began,
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
2 (three is skipped for religious reasons)
1
Nothing happened at midnight, so I decided to go back in my house. Unknowingly, I actually dug the hole in concrete. I was
stuck in the ground for four years. It had it’s advantages because I learned how to continuously spit water out of
my mouth, so I looked like a fountain. It was pretty cool having people walk by and not appreciate what I was doing.
I was dug out by a strange man in the year 2005. After that, I began to write my autobiography. Overall, my life has been
full of drama, romance, and fun. I look back and ponder at all the lives that were wasted not being me. Some people just
aren’t lucky enough to be me.
I look out deep into the night sky and wonder what the future holds for me. Maybe, some day I will raise a wonderful family,
donate my time to help sick children feel better, or cure a deadly disease. Whatever the future holds for me, it all begins
with one step, that leads to many different roads of opportunity. Once I choose a road there is no turning back, unless it
is a cul de sac, in which case I will just go back where I started from.
edit: Now Proofread! I apologize if anyone's eyes were burned reading all those typos.
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